doml #8 -- 2024/02/20

this doml will mainly be like 'school sucks lol' but it's sorta the main thing bothering me atm, anyway, with this prefixed, let's jump into my angsty teenage thoughts 👍

i'm so stressed, daily feels like unbearable torture, i feel like i'm in some sadist's bdsm dream where i'm supposed to like the total torture of the system

the system literally feels like a box of zero creativity and freedom, it's literally all memorization and repeating of what someone someday said, no actual learning, just tagging along w everyone else lol, then there's so much material and shit to learn, and then there's daily tests and shit, that's extremely stressful, oh also, exams are near

i passed my english oral exam with 17/20 points ( 85% ) not too long ago and i feel like i could've done better, but i was shaking in place and it was so shit, it was total garbage, i hated it, and there's at least 1 more oral exam and 1 oral test waiting for me - both from lithuanian, a subject i suck big big ass in, i'll probably fail that, especially because i have to base it off lithuanian literature

my theme for the oral exam speech ( translated ) is

Totalitarianism and propaganda portrayal in George Orwell's "1984" and "Animal farm".

and for the test speech it's just 'Animal farm' - basically my goal is to talk about animal farm by geogre orwell, that's what i'm supposed to do, well, at least we got to pick the books lol, and the themes for the exam speech

well, anyway, last year i read 1984 and i really enjoyed the book, though i did lose the diary thing, but my teacher probably has the physical copy somewhere, yet i'll still try to write it out of memory lol, the blog post about 1984 can be found here :

and now, i guess i kinda wanna give my opinion on animal farm, kinda side tracking from the main subject of this post, but still

# animal farm

( spoilers lol, skip to # messaging of animal farm if you wanna skip the spoilers )

animal farm was cool, i preferred 1984 ngl, but animal farm was super quick to read ( i did it in 1 day, couple of hours ) and it wasn't too confusing or complex, i expected it to be much harder to interpret as allegories like this tend to be super confusing and easy to get lost in, especially when it's in lithuanian ( i read animal farm in lithuanian ) and it was, surprisingly smooth

firstly i thought the title was like this because people and politicians are portrayed as animals, but now i think it's in reference to when animals reclaimed the "manor farm" ( ? idk i translated it lol ) and renamed it into "animal farm" and that was a moment, it was kinda damn imagining the living situation of the animals literally, and situation in the current world, allegorically

then the animals sorta made like 7 commandments that sounded something like :

  1. Whoever walks on two legs is an enemy.
  2. He who walks on all fours or has wings is a friend.
  3. No animal shall wear clothes.
  4. No animal shall sleep in a bed.
  5. No animal is allowed to drink alcohol.
  6. No animal shall kill any other animal.
  7. All animals are equal.

which was cool i guess, but over time pigs became the government and the superior animal and stuff, and i found that funny how politicians were portrayed as pigs, but honestly - deserved lol, but anyway

pigs gave themselves more privileges and stuff, saying 'managing the farm is a super hard job' - for example when pigs made it so they are the only ones who could drink milk and eat apples ( or smt i don't really recall that too clearly right now ), and over time there were political fights, etc, and one thing stood out to me - how the pigs ( politicians ) changed the law to fit their interests and privileges and whatnot, it was slowly changed to something like :

  1. Four legs is good, two is even better. ( this was shouted after some political fight and became law, when pigs walked on twos )
  2. Who walks on all fours or has wings is a friend. ( i don't remember this being changed )
  3. An animal can wear clothes. ( this was somewhere at the end or where pigs wore clothing )
  4. Resting place is important for pigs. ( i'm unsure if this was law, but i know that pigs had the privilege to beds and housing )
  5. No animal should drink alcohol without moderation. ( or something like that, when pigs begun brewing beer and starving other animals ( what an allegory for modern world's capitalism ! ) )
  6. No animal shall kill any other animal without reason. ( lol, this one was sorta funny, when the leader ( napoleon ) sentenced multiple other animals to death sentence )
  7. All animals are equal, but some are more equal. ( this one got me so bad, bro, 'more equal', that's too funny lmao )

honestly, it's funny, i hate that i love how accurately it portrays politicians and capitalism and shit nowadays,,

anyway, i'm not going to spoil any further, but it's a nice, quick read, i'd suggest, a good 8/10 :)

# messaging of animal farm

( this is where the spoilers end )

this got me thinking about politics and economics, today's world is sad lol

politics can be a great tool, it can be used for good, and to this day, on some rare occasion, it is used for good, helping people in need and such, though all i usually see out of it is just publication and a good eye lol, money runs the world, and reputation is everything, i guess lol, it feels like politics nowadays is used for manipulation, privilege and wars

and on the economical side, capitalism is what came up lol, it's a cool system, i don't think there's much else that could work better, and communism has been historically proven as ineffective, it's sad how capitalism has driven our society ( god i hate that word sm ) into an abuse machine, it's sad how you have to abuse the working class, underpaying, to make any profit, why can't the world be more peaceful lol, welp, it is what it is i guess,,

# moving on ...

anyway, back to more thoughts of mine, stress,, stress i the only word i can use to describe my life currently lol, it's nothing but that, it sucks, oh and 'jail' lol

stress was already described above, why i'm feeling so stressed, and it sucks lol, but it's temporary, i'll suffer for a few years, but a future is waiting for me, a future where i'm freer, happier, living in an environment i can heal from the life hurt i've experienced over the years, i can finally work and build my own life, even though i'll be in an abused working class, i'll be at least "somewhere" lol

and jail, god, the lithuanian education system sucks so bad, there's zero creativity, there's zero true learning, i retain basically nothing from school, because there's nothing to learn, they give you magical numbers, formulas, texts, and then tell you to just remember it, i wish it was more practical rather than what ever this is lol,, freedom and creativity are huge values to me, and i truly feel in-jailed ( ? ) in the system, i crave for the creativity, i crave for learning, i crave for substance and not pure 'take this book and recite it, my disciples' lol, welp, once again a thing i'm hopeless at changing, i kinda have to suffer through it and then live freely, hopefully lol

hoping to move out of this shithole someday, lithuania sucks lol, i cant describe how much i hate it here, people suck, economy sucks, politics suck, everything here sucks, the only redeeming quality of lithuania is that it has a couple of old beautiful sights, and that it isn't all asphalt unlike america lol, i really wanna go back to germany, as explained in lol, but that's for the future

right now, my goal and purpose is to push it through, and i've been through much worse, i'll survive this too, what's the 3 or 4 more years of suffering if i've already lived 16 years in it, god, i hate how emo this sounds lmao, but i mean, like, eh, it's just stupidity lol

i'll get over this way of thinking one day, or not, idk, life is a confusing hard mess and i'm not happy with it, i wanna change everything about it, i wanna break my life down, rip it into pieces, and rebuild it from scratch

i'll quote my friend from a few days

you can't heal in an environment that hurt you

and yeah lol, i just ew, i'll just push it through lol, like with piercings lol, it's so stupid to just like give up mid way through, just push it through, like with my septum piercing, that was so painful, but my piercer pushed it through, it was temporary, and now i'm happy with it, we need some help sometimes, i guess

i should really start seeing a psychiatrist again, but a good one, then a psychologist or a therapist lol, or i'll be at this for time and time again trying to heal on my own, or if we use piercings as an analogy - i'll keep trying to pierce my own septum until i eventually can't do it and either be unhappy with everything constantly bothering me, or i give in and seek for a person to help me ( my piercer was so sweet i love her )

well, until i stop living in my bubble and have the resources for it, i'm stuck with just pushing through, and idk, i can handle it, and i have my friends to support me, if anything i'll just have a week long mental breakdown and reset myself lol like that one time lol, but mental breakdowns feel so garbage while they're happening, it's so mentally painful, it's horrible, but you feel good after and feel like you've let everything out of you, i need a good mental breakdown, it'd be such a nice break from everything and an emotional reset i need, but i'll keep myself together lol, the school year is almost over ( well 3 or so more motnsh but still ), and then i'll get a break, i hope this summer will actually be good unlike the last one lol

i'm looking forward for next year a bit more than this, next year i'll get to pick what i want to study, which means it'll be a bit more engaging rather than constant pressure to learn random painful things, although the issue of lack of creativity and 'true learning' will still persist, at least i'll be engaged in the class lol

literally 1984

last week i decided to take a small break from code, i'm glad i did lol, i can't imagine myself managing code stuff and working on this much school stuff at the same time, it's so much states :


i'm taking a little break for 2 weeks as i feel like i'm working on code 24/7 and living on the clock, i am feeling
very overwhelmed living with no break time, even people who are of working age get a couple of days of break,
while i usually don't and i feel like its about time i take a break, my week usually looks like this :

working days : energy exhausted, tired, can't work on anything
saturday : usually spent on code
sunday : test prep, school prep, stress, etc

so ye, i think i'll give myself a break because i can't lol

as much as i enjoy this, i think this is a well deserved break lol, i've been going at this code stuff for a while non-stop, some of it underground, private, some of it on communities like coder ( idr if that's the platform name, but there was like a social media or smt for like programmers where ppl could share their code and post it ), some of it theoretical, and of course - open source stuff too, i've also done some work for people, i've been the internet's tech support too, etc etc etc - there's a lot i've done with basically no break for years lol, but i'm probably just like seeing it like such a big thing when its probably stupid and nothing, its annoying, i'm constantly unsure if something is stupid or not, i wish i could think like everyone else but at the same time i don't - there's no way i'd like to be the same as everyone else, but like i'd like to have the aspect of knowing if something is stupid or not ( for example the break thing )

i'm so given up on everything, i feel like i've just made up my own delusions that i'll push it through, that future is brighter, that everything i do now is stupid and pointless, or that it's important, or that something, i feel like i'm living in my own world and that there's two people constantly contradicting one another, but eh, until i have basis to prove that my delusions are false, i'll just stay in my safe bubble lol

i'm distressed, exhausted, tired, angsty, angry, in-jailed, hopeful yet hopeless, distracted, not attached to reality, delusional, lazy, and in need of peace - i don't know what i'm saying anymore, it feels like i'm just spitting synonyms out expecting it to make sense, i'm an emotional ball of angst and i can't wait until my delusions ( allegedly ) come true

ok, side tracking,

this nice song just begun playing and i think it's nice, y'all should check it out ( PIGBREATH - The Night Is Young (Official Music Video) ), i like it, i found it today like 2-3 hours ago and it's cool

also did y'all know that girl in red ( my beloved artist ) released a new song, it's super nice :3 ( girl in red - Too Much (Official Video) ), i like this song, it's playing right now,, my best friend, casey, pointed it out to me like 1 or 2 days ago

well, anyway, there's another thing bothering me - people, there's so many things that trigger me, or make my emotions explode, some more than others, like there's things people trigger almost if not daily and i'm sorta used to it, even if it does hurt, i know how to control it, but some rarer ones make me explode, and it sucks, i'm learning how to control my emotions as it's truly a me issue lol, not as if anyone should be required to deal with my own issues and triggers, it's my job to ask or stay quiet and deal with it, it's very painful and annoying, but i mean, it's a me issue lol

# reflection

i've made so much progress from my old self lol, thinking back about my life i feel a sense of accomplishment, but it's sad how much work is needed to undo everything, i'll heal once i'm out of here, i think

i used to have plans of suicide and stuff, now i don't, it's damn, i thought it's set in stone, i also used to be a big anorexic, i'm not as much of one anymore, still a bit shaky on that, but i'm hanging 👍, i used to be super unhappy with my body, i'm now unhappy with my body knowing what's wrong, that's progress i guess ? i used to self harm a lot, i'm repulsed by it now, i used to be scared to express myself in any way, i'm not as scared anymore, i also moved away from the shitty school i was in before, i'm learning how to deal with my emotions better, i'm also learning how to properly treat myself, i've also tried many hobbies in my life, and i've gotten okay at one - programming, i also like cooking to this day, i used to also be super into chemistry and languages, biology too iirc, music creation ( both digital and "physical" if it makes sense ) in general it was cool

well, i'm glad programming stayed with me, i have a lot of fun with it and it gives me the freedom, creativity, and control i so long for in many aspects of life, and i like cooking, it helps me to develop a healthier relationship with food, i am trying to not optimize for 'how low calorie can i make this' - but honestly, my brain finds it super hard to not optimize for kcal count to be low, but i mean i'm not trying to make everything super low calorie on purpose anymore, today was like one of those rare times i made pancakes, bro pancakes - one of my biggest fears before, WITH NO SPINACH, like if i craved pancakes so much i would just shove a lot of spinach to fill me up rather than anything else, and today i made like normal pancakes lol, it wasn't horrible but it was sorta hard to digest, ofc made with vegan ingredients as i'm vegan myself lol

currently my view on food and stuff is like 'it should be satisfying and feel good', this one girl on youtube called helped me understand that, maybe i'll change my view on it someday, but for now that's what works for me /shrug

idk, there's also personal growth, some private stuff, also self-discovery journey, etc - it's very damn

there's also some negative sides, for example i barely talk to anyone i used to talk to like 5 years ago, 5 years ago i used to be surrounded by like rodrigo, some tiktok friends, corbin too i think, that one girl and her emo artist friend, max, those are the main ones i can recall, mainly from the lgbt support group i was in back then lol, i mean there were other people like noel, my best friend, which i don't talk to anymore after 10 years of friendship lol, etc etc etc lol

though i've gained other friends and stayed with others, but well, people come and go, currently, at this stage of life, i don't talk to many people lol, i don't really have any super close or closish bonds besides like bloody and casey, there's other people like joe, mike, kuran, ofc sininenkissa, other matrix people i talk to, but i wouldn't call them close bonds, maybe mike, i would consider mike the closest out of that list lol, like i have connections with people, but they're never that deep or close or meaningful or anything, well besides a couple, but it works for me lol, and i'm glad i'm not fully socially isolated - like i sometimes go, and have went through social isolation episodes lol

i've gotten better at dealing with a lot of stuff, but worse at other, i've learned to accept some things and break others down, i've changed as a person, i've changed my environment, and this is probably not the first and not the last time i feel this overwhelmed by change, tests, exams, life, friends, people, etc

# concluding

i mean i got a portion of what i wanted to get off my chest, off my chest, and i feel better now lol, i'm glad i have a place like this to express myself in, share stories, and sometime look back on it, maybe not always in a positive light, but it's something lol

it's kinda scary to write about mental health and stuff after what happened in the past over half a year or so lol, but it's over, and i'm getting over it lol

on a side note, matrix homeserver ( ) is doing great, one of the coolest things that happened to it so far, is that it got #1 places in twim ( this week in matrix ) blog :

so that's cool

anyway thanks for giving me this opportunity to express myself, and, well, til next time :), crazy roller-coaster of events and emotions we just went through lol



meow meow