doml #7 -- 2024/01/29

god i haven't done this in a while lol, since doml 7 and 8 removal i've been sorta repulsed to make domls, but time to move on lol

now as i've got some time with at least a little energy, i thought to myself why not write a doml, i really like this as i can get many things off my chest lol

since 2023/10/23 ( doml #6, latest publicly available doml ) a lot has changed

well i'll start from the latest doml and i may remember things later on :

eating disorder recovery isn't going well, i am struggling lmao, it's up and down, not yet the rock bottom, but an collating wave, some days are fine, some days aren't, it depends a lot, though we're balling, i guess

exams are super near, too, english, maths, lithuanian, german, etc -- i'll be taking quite a bit this year, then next yr i'll be taking from subjects i choose to study, and then, of course, the finals . it's sorta crazy how close the end of all this is, "next year" ( as in 2025 ) i'll be 18, that's wild asf, currently i'm 16, this year i'll turn 17, and then in 2025 september 10 th i'll turn 18, which i mean as far as it may seem, is burning my skin, it's way too close for my liking and i just know that 2025 is going to be a very shit year for me, but welp, quite overwhelming, but i'll manage, not as if i wasn't through hard times before, but welp -- there's more important things in life than my angsty emotional teenage thoughts, but i like sharing them

then, as mentioned, annual school project, i picked psychology, and actually it isn't going too bad, i was super worries about it in doml #6, yet now i don't see it as a big deal lol, the biggest thing for me now is the exams, the project is just a project, we've ( me and my teammate ) have already collected 50% of the required results, i predict we'll have anywhere from 200 to 350 entries to use for statistics, i have made some parts open source and i'll publish more parts of it ( excluding the results, of course ) once i'm done possibly, i don't like working and not being able to help anyone, who knows -- maybe someone in the future will find it useful /shrug, though the full open sourcing is going to take a bit as i'll basiacally need to re-do it with fake data as i don't want to expose any actual data lol

i've also mentioned 'at 06/09-10 i worked on painting my laptop lol' in the 6 th doml, well, speadking of laptops, i got new hardware around 7 months ago and gave the old one to my stepfather,, i had to run arch linux for a bit as mediatek sucks, but now i've replaced the mt7902 with an intel ax210, works like a charm, and now i am back on my beloved gentoo >3 -- one more upgrade is awaiting -- from 8 gb of ram to 16, very soon :3

though, now after responding to dml #6 -- what's now ?

i'll be using my blog as the main resource for remembering things in sorta chronological order

well, 1000 days of ari-web happened, so did 3 years of ari-web, wild that i've been working on this for over 3 years lol, and that's only ari-web, it's kinda nice how i've been programming for like half my life, i mean there's many people who say "it's a waste of time" or something, but like lol, it's stupid and it makes me mad lol,, there's nothing that makes me feel happy, fulfilled, and accomplished as programming does, it's like an art -- just with text,, just like writing books or building a sculpture, it's just like, idk, i really enjoy it and it's my passion, and i believe that it's time well-spent, even if "i don't make any money from it" - quoting at least 3 people i have in mind at the moment of writing, but i wouldn't have it any other way, i love creating stuff, solving problems ( "oH ? dOEs iT sOlvE wORlD hUngER ??" - also quoting one or two people ) and generally having fun with it . i don't get why people try to strip away this fun from me, it's like they only see the world as purely problems such as social issues with zero logical problems involved and that the only goal in life is money - it sucks . oh well though, not as if i can change their view no matter how much i explain myself, though at this point i don't feel the need to explain it, i'm just over it, it's what i like to do and what i do, and who are you to take it away from me ? and i've also heard complaints about how i spend around 100 euro a year on my whole programming things ( mainly vps and domain ), i just pay for the ability to host my applications freely, let people use the vps, have a backup server, etc,, it's just 100 euro a year, while it brings me a lot of joy, opportunities, and ability to support other open source creators

well anyway, that rant aside : i've also switched from the xiaomi android rom ( which sucks A LOT ) to lineageos ( great rom imho ) and i've made a guide on it : i feel nothing but regret by staying on that shitty rom for 4 years lol, but i'm glad i've switched

looks like i've also rewrote the blogging system ?? that's epic asf, i forget what i work on sometimes and this is definitely an epic change, the old one needed a rewrite and the current one is actually faster which is, in fact, very cool :)

god, the post brings me flashbacks, i get huge ptsd ( to the point where i jump from sleep ) because of things that happened during this period, it made me miserable, now i've moved on, ptsd still persists though :/

after that i've gotten into vps stuff, begun maining matrix as my main form of communication and i am so glad i've moved on, i not only met quite a few cool people, but now i also have the ability to provide services to people, let them host their own things, etc -- it's great, and i'm glad to help people and expand upon my opportunities, i'm glad i'm growing up, though i'm scared of it, though it's nice being more and more independent as time goes ( btw wanna join the homeserver yourself ? join here )

regardless, though, these are only events which i've published before . there's many things i can't really talk about publicly, which i wish to, but i cannot, though i'll share the things that i can share, though only in semi-chronological order :

i got quite a few other piercings which is cool :3 like over the past months i've been getting piercings, as i've gotten the chance to, and it's been great, i've gotten my long waited for piercings and some i've begun wanting fairly recently -- i think i'll enjoy this while i can, it's nice and if anything i can just take them out lol

next year i'm going to be an 11 th grader, i honestly can't wait for this, i will finally get to study what i want and what i am actually good at, not shit like chemistry which i not only dislike, i am also not that good at it, but ye, it's exciting, and in general -- i want to move on from my class, even though i don't really face many issues there, there's a few people i dislike and it'd be nice to just have another class, and in general -- i'd like to reverse the past year or so of my life, well, at least some parts of it, i'd like to start from another point, but what's done is done and now you cannot erase it

i'm also moving out soon, which is pretty cool, well, 'soon', it's probably going to still take some time as everything's is still being set up, but i'm moving and i wonder how that's going to be like, though stuff like that ( change ) makes me super anxious, so i'm interested, yet still super anxious

i also just remember once talking about pe making me super anxious and stuff, since last yr ( second half ) i haven't done any pe or anything, and honestly -- it's great,, whatever exercise i need i get from walking around and stuff, and as i don't need to change or anything like that, i don't feel as miserable at school and stuff, which is great, though that doesn't mean school's a non-miserable place lol : work, some people, exams, stress, comparing ( others comparing you for example, total shit ass ), etc is just all garbage, especially as even if i try to make school less miserable i get shut down right away, told i'm annoying, and that sorta just breaks my heart lol, welp though lol

honestly, i thought my life's going better, now as i'm reflecting on it, even from stuff i can't share, god, i still got so much progress to do, though that also means i'm not as blind to issues i've faced before and that i can at least start the first steps to life quality improvement -- acknowledgement

though, overall, the message i'm trying to say : i want my time back

though, i think i'll stop here before i overshare xD, goodbye, good luck, and speciate your time while you can - cya in the next post

ari, 2024/01/29