Hello, World,
I'm just coming off a headache, and I've decided it's finally time to update my blog (I mean my blog not just recipes or like school stuff) - something I haven't done in a while, for... well, a lot of reasons. To be honest, I've been feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, paranoid, anxious, and scared. It's been a lot to handle over the past, like, two years now? Sometimes I look back and regret "one time", but oh well, it's just a little more on my plate than it was before.
# Best Summer Yet
Welcome to summer. Oh, and happy pride month :) (psst https://ari.lt/#pride)
I've been trying to get out more - walks, a bit of travel, though it's not like I can do this all the time, I've been still very busy with various work whether it is school related, personal projects (Vessel at the moment), volunteer work (mainly online currently, but soon I'll also begin volunteer work at an animal shelter, which I'll start after exams), exams (5 of them, twice), or generally life stuff. Regarding travelling, there's the question of money and time involved, so I don't get to this often.
I've also been trying to make peace with Lithuania. After going to Vilnius, I realized it's probably just my part of Lithuania that's shit, well, at least that's how it seems to me. I haven't spent enough time in other areas to be sure, but that's my impression.
And the same goes for the Lithuanian language. I've felt pretty ashamed of it, mostly because of how suffocating this regime feels. I'm trying to change how I feel about all this and working through my raw hatred for anything related to this culture, just because of - I wish I could say "a few", but - a bunch of people. One of the best things now is I finally have a half-decent circle of people around me.
Although, honestly, this is the best summer I've had so far. I'm working on myself, getting ready to leave a hellhole behind (maybe I'll get into that later), and I'm not stuck in a loop with the same miserable losers any more.
# I Love My Cat
This is my cat, Tina. I love her - she's been with me through a lot, good times and bad. She's been essentially my only support while I was basically raising myself. She's getting old now, and honestly, it's tough to watch. She sleeps a lot, sometimes even while she's sitting. She's also been hiding lots, becoming much less active with time. It's kind of sad, but that's how things are.
Excuse the crunchy picture, it's very zoomed in :) I took this picture today after a nap after she was also done napping with me. She sleeps in my bed during daytime. She's adorable.
Her story is actually pretty wild when I think about it, and honestly, it's beautiful too. About 14 years ago, my aunt found her - Tina - in a garbage container. One of those big communal ones. Presumably, someone's cat had kittens and, for whatever fucked-up reason, they decided to toss a newborn kitten out like trash. Whoever did that, I have no words.
My aunt rescued her. That same day, we went to visit, and Tina spent the whole day sleeping and purring on my lap. I couldn't get over how cute she was. By the evening, we brought her home.
Looking back, it almost feels like she was the one who pulled me out of the dumpster. With her warmth, her constant presence, and just letting me cry into her fur when I needed it, she's helped me through a lot. I'm genuinely grateful she's in my life. Some people don't understand how much of an emotional bond I have to her, but I raised myself, and she was basically the only real support I had, because she's a cat, she's not going to dismiss my feelings or bully me or anything.
# Finding Purpose
I am 17 right now, and I will be 18 in about two months. Even just saying that feels strange, like I am not really sure how I am supposed to feel about it, eh, I don't know actually, I know how - I should be scared considering my situation, however, I'm just like "ugh, whatever happens - happens, if I can't figure, leaving is always an option".
Getting older is weird. Lately, I have been thinking a lot about what my purpose is and what I actually want to do with my life. I do not think I have ever spent this much time seriously reflecting on it before, I spent every night reflecting on each day, understanding what was good, what was bad, what I learned, and how this contributes to my life, a lot of it helping me leave shitty communities, bad people behind, and become a more grounded person.
One thing I am sure about (and always have since childhood) is that I want to tie my future to computer science. That is the one area where I always felt excitement and saw a path forward in. Don't get me wrong - I tried many hobbies, I was a curious child, but moving to physical electronics later to programming at around 8 years old with Python on a phone gave me the control, purpose, and excitement in life I wished for.
# Pushing Through
Also, I have been pushing myself to go to conferences and whatnot, even though it is honestly awful as hell due to a couple of factors. I enjoy it, don't get me wrong, I just... I don't want to sound selfish, but I don't feel comfortable around being labelled someone who I am not. I have also been writing a lot of articles and other stuff too. Writing articles makes me uncomfortable when they are forced and I am once again forced to label "myself". It simply pushes me to an edge where I feel like a thousand knives are piercing my soul (though, thank you GDPR, I love you), I am literally being forced to do it.
I have also been involved in a bunch of projects this year alone. Some of them have been genuinely fun and rewarding, while others have just been a slog. Still, I guess it is all experience, and I am learning what I like and what I cannot stand.
Though, despite the pain, there's a good metaphor in this:
"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end"
- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
This year has been rough. I spent about half of it in a really dark place, just total depression. There are a lot of reasons for that, but a huge part of it is how things are run here in Lithuania, well, in my part of Lithuania at least. The system just does not care about anyone who is not a neurotypical cishet white man. It is honestly exhausting, and it makes me angry, upset, awful, just no. Regulate my ass thermostat. Also, I still do not get how people like Trump and other conservatives like him keep getting into power. Whatever. Old people will old people. Take your meds, kids, don't be a fascist.
Either way, I am trying to be more intense about figuring out my purpose and what I want to do next, despite the gross feelings regarding parts of it. I do not plan to slow down next year either.
# But yeah...
I have always been someone who keeps busy, but now I am heading into some stuff that I know is going to suck. Hopefully it will not last long, and maybe it will actually help me in the end. Or maybe I'll grow to finally enjoy this part of life since I am finally getting basic human rights, as I am turning 18 soon (because seemingly nobody cares about under 18s).
Outside of the awful parts, I have actually been enjoying myself in part. Writing, working on projects, going to conferences, and presenting things would all be a lot better if it was not for some of the bullshit that comes with it, and the people who make it worse.
But I am still here, still pushing through, and still trying to figure it all out.
# The Canvas of Ashes
All the hardship I have gone through in life has made me feel like I need to build walls around myself, to keep people out. That is where the title of this blog post comes from: "You are not paid to listen to this".
It is something I have said a lot this year, especially to people who try to be there for me or ask "how are you? Like actually". I do not trust easily, even when someone genuinely wants to help or cares - actually wants to know what's up. I simply end up using that phrase to push people away, to remind them - and myself - that nobody owes me their time or energy.
I know it is harsh, and I do feel bad about it, because I understand that some people really do care. But I just cannot let them in. I do not want to be a burden.
At the same time, carrying the guilt of saying that phrase is its own kind of pain. I worry that, when I say it, people think I am telling them they are "not good enough" to help me (even though I cannot count how many times people have told me that I'm not good enough for them, so maybe an eye for an eye? But nah, I'm not like this...), or that I do not value them.
But the idea of "them not being good enough for me" is not true at all. They are good enough. The problem is not with them, it is with me and what I have learned about people over the years. I have seen how quickly people can turn away, how support can vanish when things get too real or uncomfortable. So I keep my distance.
Here on my blog, I can put all of this out there, say whatever I want, and nobody has to listen. If someone chooses to read it, that is on them. But in real life, you cannot just walk away from someone who is breaking down in front of you. You cannot just say, "shut up, I do not care any more, I regret asking, let me go", and leave. So I try to save people from that moment by never letting it get that far.
This brings me to what I have started calling the canvas of ashes. It is a metaphor that has been stuck in my head lately.
The walls I build, the things I do not say, all the pain I keep to myself - it is like painting my life on a canvas made of ashes.
Ashes are what is left after everything has burned down. They are fragile, grey, useless, and cold: the remains of something that used to be alive. When I say "canvas of ashes", I mean that my way of coping, of protecting myself, is to create something out of what is left after the fire. I love creating. That's why I also love programming.
Either way, I try to make sense of the ruins, to find some kind of meaning or beauty in what remains, even if it is just dust. It is not much, but it is mine. And maybe, by putting it out here, I can start to see the shape of something new, even if it is built on top of everything that has already burned away.
# "I get overwhelmed so easily / My anxiety <...>"
I remember this one 2020s TikTok song: Royal & the Serpent - Overwhelmed. I'm aware of how corny it is, but:
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19 | Turn off the TV
It's starting to freak me
Ow, it's so loud
It's like my ears are bleeding
What am I feeling?
Can't look at the ceiling
The light is so bright
It's like I'm overheating
This mind isn't mine
Who am I to judge?
Oh, I should be fine
But it's all too much
I get overwhelmed so easily
My anxiety creeps inside of me
Makes it hard to breathe
What's come over me?
Feels like I'm somebody else
|
These lines sum up how I have felt this entire year. Every day has been a battle. Walking into gymnasium feels like stepping into North Korean land - no joke, I get actual flashbacks. There are people everywhere, some of whom I cannot deal with, and the noise is just relentless. It is always so loud, so bright, so chaotic - so much entropy, it's just ugh. It is just too much. Sometimes, during breaks, I just end up crying because it is the only way to let some of it out.
This is my reality for nine out of twelve months every year:
- Wake up at 7 am
- Do my hygiene routine
- Get dressed (uniform + same style jeans)
- Grab my bag
- Head out to gymnasium
Literally an algorithm.
Then I just endure the day, trapped in this system, and leave feeling completely drained - like, really awful. I feel like a machine, just going through the motions. I have said before how much I hate the repetition. Every class is just the same thing, over and over - repeat, rehash, regurgitate. There is no room for creativity, no space to breathe. I am desperate for something different, for a break from all the suffering.
Being in this environment, all I feel is constant graužatis - that gnawing, anxious ache that never goes away. It is like my blood is substituted with piranha etch, every single day. It leaves me burnt out and depressed. I feel hopeless there, and my anxiety keeps me from even trying to change anything, even my machine routine.
But whatever. I will survive, probably. I hate the machines, I hate the puppets of the regime, and I hate the people pulling the strings. 0/10, would not recommend.
I don't hate systems or structures, I think in systems. I simply hate illogical systems or structures that pretend to be logical, and not simply oppressive.
# Thou Art Not Worthy. Surrender Thy Life, Android!
Regarding feeling overwhelmed, it's baffling how there are adults - actual people whose job is to work with children, teens, and young adults - who have told us that we're "not enough". Seriously, what the fuck?? And when we get those weird looks or express how overwhelmed we are, the advice we get is, "Just stay up all night if you don't have enough time". Like, are you kidding me? How can anyone think that's a reasonable solution?
We're already stuck in this exhausting system, and yet they say these things out loud, as if it's completely normal to sacrifice our well-being just to keep up. It's honestly infuriating: Why is this the standard? Why is it okay to expect so much and offer so little support?
Hearing the "quiet part" said out loud just makes it even more frustrating. Dear flying spaghetti monster, bless this world with actual sense. I feel like I am surrounded by idiots sometimes as self-absorbed as this sounds.
# But There Are Good Things...
Even though things suck right now, I am still looking forward to life, at least I think I do. I believe it will get better - at least, that is what I am hoping for. You know what they say, that hope always dies last.
I know capitalism runs on suffering, exploitation, and constant human rights violations, and I am probably not going to be an exception to that. Still, I am looking forward to living away from idiots, to building a life with someone I care about, and to solving more problems and puzzles, creating new things.
I want to reach a point where I actually feel comfortable just existing. I want to keep improving myself, to live a stable life surrounded by decent, reliable people. I want to raise a pet cat and have some peace. I am hoping to turn this tiny seed of hope I have into a tree of hope. Right now, though, it feels like there is a drought, and that growth is slow. But I am still holding on. Seeds are more shelf-stable than fruits, anyway. I'll flourish one day :)
Nevertheless, if you reached this, thanks for listening. This was nice.
'til next time :)