idk something

before anything: this blog is a total mess, its basically a cloud of my own thoughts and things i want to share and stuff, so if you want actual content wrong blog post, but if you decide to read, dong judge it too hard its 3:30 am and this is purely whats going on in my head at the time if you have anything to say about this email me or leave your comment on CaO, btw dont expect this to be a family friendly blog post at all lol, there are many triggers too btw bc i dig into my brain a bit


i rlly dont know why am i even writing this blog i just havent updated it since 2022/12/03 and its 12/25 already, feels wrong, 22 days, i just havent had any inspiration, nothing to write about rlly, no new tutorials that come into my head, nothing, just pure b l a n k and i wanted to just talk about stuff ig, nothing specific, just ✨stuff✨

tbh nothing new, christmas is here, never was a special thing for me, so just sitting at home doing nothing waiting for winter break to finish, school's halfway finished, which is weird, 2023's around the corner, 2022 ended too fast lol, watch us get into another pandemic, it wasnt the year of desktop for linux, this year im potentially switching to netbsd or openbsd, will make sure to at least try them on my own hardware, but i mean for development its gonna be a bit of a pain if i actually decide to make the switch, plus i made a poll for like 50 ppl, a part of them answered and the poll was something like this:

Poll: should i hop to netbsd, openbsd or stay on gentoo

(0) netbsd
(1) openbsd
(2) gentoo

and the majority (80%) answered gentoo, so probably staying on it, if i like netbsd or openbsd a lot ill switch to it

what more, idk, ketamine and ecstasy are kinda on my mind, like im not encouraging drugs or anything, i havent done any in my life and shit, but besides that, im kinda craving for their effects, with ketamine you just ✨float off✨ and its kinda nice to have that at times and ecstasy is just free happiness, which would be nice to have at harder days, thinking about telling that to my psychologist lol

speaking of my psychologist, were kinda making progress, last time told her about my eating stuff, almost cried, but whatever, nothing major

my IT teacher pushed me into a programming olympic and so far i passed all stages (school and city) with an almost perfect score, so now ill be going to the 3rd stage which is country, although only part 1, if i pass it im going to the country finale lol, using C++ there

speaking of IT, im thinking of redesigning ari-web prompt stuff as it kinda sucks, i might start work on it soon, ill try to improve the code oh and i also extended the lifetime of domain a couple of days ago, by that i mean i just shoved more money into the domain so i own it for longer, like adding years to ownership lol

getting bored of my playlist, all songs have been heard by me like 100000 times, lofi is fine, but it also gets old at times, "My mix" youtube playlists have been saving my ass for a bit, but theyre also getting boring, im finding less enjoyment in music this way, which is sad, no energy either, so 😫

been thinking about changing my github username, i know to what specifically, but its gonna break so much if i decide to, but i could make an organisation with the username i want, but then what am i gonna put there ? like theres absolutely nothing i can think of putting on there, personal projects go on my own github, which is like ✨everything✨ so ... do i just make the org and leave it empty lol ? i mean kinda a waste, idk

i keep thinking about my psychiatrist, i found a person irl who goes to the same one as i do and theyre not having a good time like me, my psychiatrist is like a total unqualified bitch, left her a few low/terrible ratings and 1 star reviews, if i could id give her 0 stars, she doesnt even deserve the 1 star, idiotic shit

gonna go to my grandma tmrw maybe, i wanna go for a walk, although its already pretty late so if i dont fall asleep ill probably be dead tmrw lol, either way, i have not been very energetic for the past couple of months lol

ngl overthinking is no, i overthink a lot and i keep getting mad at myself for a lot of things, like what could have i said and stuff yk lol, this shit is even making me think to stop going to my psychologist, like i overthink the psychologist sessions SO MUCH lol

watched a video a couple of weeks ago, it was about autistic trans ppl and as im an autistic trans person i was interested, seems like we, the autistic ppl, are 11 times as likely to be trans compared to an average person, its apparently also a sign of autism to have issues with your gender, which makes sense as i always had issues with it, sad to know that 'its just a sign', but still, i also noticed that the time passes by faster the older i get lol, becoming a true grandma now

i told my psychologist one thing, it was something like this, just in lithuanian obviously:

ill be honest, i hide some stuff from you and other doctors, the lithuanian mental healthcare system fucking SUCKS A LOT, like A LOT A LOT, i have to lie or just hide things from you because i dont want to get put into a mental hospital, mental stimulation depravation makes my mind go into a "bad mode" which is literally what a mental hospital is, i lied to you multiple times already to try to not get put into one and in lithuania all they do is just shove you into a mental hospital and just give 0 shits about you

so yeah lmao, lithuania fucking sucks for mental shit, getting mental healthcare is hard enough here, but getting proper mental healthcare is impossible, you have to watch your every word if you dont want to just get shoved into a mental hospital, its fucking idiotic

i kinda like this mind cluster-fuck of a blog post, its nice just thinking of shit and just typing it out lol

a person gave me a question idr how long ago but it was

if youre so depressed why dont you kill yourself already

well, i still want to see what life can offer until my ultimate demise, i mean so far it isnt anything good lol, but oh well

was watching my hands like a week ago and i found that they look a lot like frog hands, like the bones and shit, fingers, just f r o g lol

today i saw how bloated rust is, so, i shrunk my / part to 20 GB few days ago and it was fine and uh, i decided to start my system update today and rust source code takes up 11+ GB of storage, funny because firefox takes up much less while being a much more complex program, god, rust is a fucking disappointment lol

remember how i was bald last year ? i was gonna shave my head again, then decided not to lol, it was a whole mess, i was scared, thought id probably feel good for a split second, but then like shit and then just polls and shit and ugh it was a mess, i just decided to keep my hair, glad i did

hm, im digging deeper and deeper into my brain, we went from christmas to this, interesting, i mean thats kinda what this blog is, me digging deeper and deeper into my 1 braincell width brain lol

im confused why ppl still use arigram, a telegram client i made, i mean its nice and stuff but its kinda a deadish project, i dont work on it anymore, meaning the new stuff telegram adds is just going to show up as [MessageUnsupported] which isnt useful is it lol, i rlly need to change the arigram api to work better with the new telegram shit dynamically lol, i mean i literally use arigram myself and it doesnt bother me but i mean others might not be able to work with it as well as i can lol

lol im still on the 5.16.7 kernel, i dont like 5.15.x and the new kernel sucks so im sticking to the old one and probably never updating, that is if im even staying on linux lol, remember, the netbsd/openbsd thing ?

why does PE (physical 'education') even exist, 'movement' my ass, i came to school not to 'move' but to learn and get a diploma, i literally am so exhausted after PE, can barely learn, i fucking hate PE, it makes me feel like shit in so many ways i cant, at times i even begin to cry BECAUSE i have PE that day, its stupid stupid lol, reasons why i hate pe:

i might still be falling for my crush and ppl know lol, worst part is that were classmates, and like omg, why, i WANT to get over him but i just ✨✨✨✨cannot✨✨✨✨ lol, i have a hard time dropping feelings for ppl

anyway i think this clusterfuck of a blog is good enough to be posted if you decide to say anything abt it dont scream kthxbye