remember this post ?
so yeah, last week i couldnt meet up with my psychologist ( because stuff happened at home ), so i did this week, not too long ago i walked out of her office and even though i walked out sweating like a stressed pig, i feel ... good ? i mean it all went well, she was accepting, understanding, nice about it, but it was scary talking about me being trans in person, i have never had to talk about it so much irl, new thing, a lot of anxiety and just aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
she said its fine and okay, she understands, she has trans clients in the past, she even asked for the name i go by,
although i couldnt say it because i was scared, ill tell her next week, she used feminine pronouns on me this session and so on
it was a lot to talk about, it was scary, i was in such a high state of stress, sweated, got shaky, fidgeted and stuff but now that im home, i think it was a good experience, im happy about it, im glad i finally opened up about my identity and that my psychologist accepted me for who i am, its a huge relief and im glad i was able to sorta do it
she also asked how does it feel to be trans and i couldnt really explain it, its ✨ a feeling ✨ like she asked me something along the lines of
are you a boy who just likes boys or are you a girl ? how does it feel to be trans ?
i said that i am a girl and that its weird to explain how it is to be trans, i said like
it just feels that im not me, its weird to explain it
or smt, i think a better explanation would be like
im a girl, it feels like like me fighting my own self, like i want to be accepted but im also scared, i feel like im not a boy, i hate taking on masculine roles, i am not masculine myself, i feel like nobody who is cis will understand what its like to be a trans person and the struggles that come with it as its not a choice, for example, i feel like i should be in the girls group if the teachers tell us to split into groups by gender ( even though i think its quite bs but eh ) but i have to go the boys group apparently ( like i have to fight myself ), i feel like im walking on eggshells to conceal my identity and who i am trying to make sure im not offending anyone and not exposing myself to just get bullied into even a deeper depression than i already am in
i think this would have fit more, but i mean i have an alibi -- i was stressed beyond hell, i was sweating, my heart and mind were racing, everything was just a whole ball of stress, i was sitting there in a chair frozen, barely able to talk, although as we talked more about it i got more comfortable
i think and hope next week i will be able to talk to her more about this topic and this conversation made me realise, maybe i dont want to end my life yet afterall, maybe i just needed help, someone to talk to, after i had the convo i feel much better, its nice, although when my depression and gender dysphoria will come back after such a high point for me in happiness, i will feel terrible
but oh well, at least the psychologist accepts me :)