i was talking with my friend about stuff and i remembered the days when i used to live in germany, i miss it, i have bad nostalgia feeling because of it, even though the story was kinda traumatizing, at least how it ended, while it lasted it wasn't the prettiest by itself, it was better than the ending lol
# beginnings
well, the travel to germany was cool
before the trip i had my stuff packed like a week prior and the last day in my village / town i spent with a couple of people, before i had to go, then some guy picked us up by car and we went to klaipÄ—da, i remember going into the ship and the stairs and hallway and whatnot, i remember the sheer size of it
i remember the ship and the cabin i stayed in with my family, i brought all my stuff to the cabin and whatnot, that day i also tried toblerone or whatever that chocolate is called for the first time, i payed like 5 euro for it 💀
i also remember watching despicable me and stuff on my stepfather's at the time laptop, not only that, also spongebob i think, but it was basically an animated film night for me, the trip took just around 2 days if i remember correctly, i remember before the trip was over we ate at the cafe and before the ship came to the port, we went and watched it, but this brings me back to the trip, my parents got drunk and went out to the shore to smoke and shit, and it was slippery and dark there, so like imagine small me left with an even smaller brother on a ship with people whose language we don't speak and i don't have my documents and whatnot, i'd be very confused on what to do, although i think my english skills at the time would've helped me at least a bit, but yeah, i was scared for that, it all went fine though
i remember then going off the ship, some lithuanian lady helped us to get off the ship as we had many bags, my mother made a comment about her walking very fast and the lady got angry, i felt bad, but oh well, we got off the ship safely and were in germany
we ported off not far from a bus stop, which is where we went, i got a diet coke there on a vending machine, we left at 18:00 or so and we were heading somewhere, i don't really remember how it worked, but iirc we were dropped off next to a train station in kiel, which is where my stepfather's at the time friend picked us up by his car
i remember going home then, watching the stuff outside, i remember us passing a bridge iirc, i can't fully recall it, but i remember the moment we were dropped off next to home, the grass was very outgrown in the yard, i remember us going up the small stairs up to our apartment and me checking it out, then we didn't have anything there, not even beds, it was empty
well, i was lucky that day, because in germany we had days where people would put out free stuff to take outside, and me, along with my mother and brother, went on a walk, and found a good closet or commode or something of sort then and i was given it to use it for mine and my brother's things ( clothing and ofc my autistic hoard of things ), i can't recall if i had my littlest brother yet, but possibly, but even if he existed at the time, he probably wasn't old enough to do much
in the evening we also got beds, i can't recall how we got them, but we got them, i got the one next to the outlet and window, next to my balcony door and my brother got one closer to the door, and my littlest brother, if he existed even, probably slept with my parents
i remember how long i used to stay up in germany, my sleep was fully fucked, i used to go to bed at like 5 am and birds used to chirp and whatnot lol and only then i used to go to bed, and then wake up at 15:00 or so, probably watching youtube or something
after some time we got used to the life in germany, my sleep got better and we discovered and picked out main places to be, for example the kebab place, or the main store we used to go to, i remember us buying popsicles which was like fruit and it had a tip dipped in something which had like popping candy on it, maybe it was like white coloured chocolate ? i can't recall much about it, but i remember that it was like 20 popsicles a box, if i could find it i'd show you, but i can't find it, i also recall the pond and the 2 supermarkets we used to go, the football field next to the kindergarten, which was next to some big building and a bridge and stuff, it was cool
anyway, i also remember a couple of stories from tht period
# story 1
one day i remember my parents giving me a mental breakdown as it used to b their hobby basically, seeing how far they can push my psyche til i break and then watch me melt down, i think they found pleasure in mentally torturing me lol, well at the time it got so bad the cops even came, or something of sort ? i remember cops did come and were in our yard or somewhere close, but i can't recall if they came to our home or not, but basically forced me to shut up lmfao, i was breaking down hard and it was just no, but welp, that story didn't stick with me much, i just remember that my room got fucked up by me and people didn't take it lightly
# story 2
in kiel we used to live in a rented apartment and the home wasn't ours technically, we just lived there and payed money for it
one day the landlord said that some guy is going to come to check for pipes or something, and the dude came, and as i was the only person who knew english then, i was forced to talk, the guy was talking about pipes and how he needs to check them, the landlord told my parents to not let him, but i said 'yeah go ahead' as i didn't know any better, i was confused anyway
anyway when i came home, i remember my mother screaming at me for stuttering and being anxious about it and letting him check the pipes, the dude pulled up google translate and my mother pressed english bro i wanted to pick lithuanian so her dumbass could understand what he was saying because i didn't know how to reply, like bruh, i can't with her these days nor back then
# story 3
back in germany i had like a telescope thing and i used to do star watching when the sky used to be clear, it was nice, what made it shit was that my parents used to be drunk there 24/7 and in germany it isnt socially acceptable to have your children around in such condition, so i remember a story when i was star watching and we got screamed at by some person
well none of us except one guy knew german and the guy said it was a threat abt police bc there were children out with them or something, i can't recall it well lol, but welp, then i went to my balcony to watch stars
# story 4
this story is basically the ending of my adventures in germany
one day my stepfather at the time got crazy and wanted to kill us, i was in panic, because of course i was, i wasn't going to go down to some random alcoholic who abused me just as my mother did, bro tried to break my leg once even, but anyway, i was once again the target of the whole thing and had to proxy everything to them as they didn't know any english and still don't to this day
i had to call police, 2 times, i remember calling the police and panicking, the lady on the phone asked me to calm down and tell them the address and explain the situation and whatnot calmly, which was hard when ur stepfather is trying to get u fucked over in a country you don't know the language of and are new to it lol
the first time, police warned him and left, the 2 nd time he was taken away to police and only came back a day later, at that point the pot water i had boiling was aggressively boiling because i was prepared to use it to burn him if anything lol, this whole thing lasted a good while lol, after that he came back home and it was awkward, we moved out, but it wasn't as simple as just moving out lol, it was many fights, problems, funding issues, etc
i remember the stepfather refused to pay for tickets to all of the members, he only was going to buy tickets for his children lol, i am not included and nor is my mother ofc, so we couldn't, but i don't even think he did that, his friend paid for our tickets back to lithuania and even took us to the port all for free when we had to put our stuff in trash bags as we didn't have much else
before leaving germany, i remember going to the store one last time and buying some snacks for the trip, it was like a snacks kit, it was cheap and was better than nothing, we didn't have much money then
i remember going by ship and the food for kids from the cafeteria was free or cheap or something like that, we were hungry and we ate, the ship also had a playground area we used to play with kids in, it had a tv too, so it was a cool place to spend time when you can't afford mobile data for example, those 2 days were painful, but we got back to lithuania, where my mothers friend picked us up from klaipÄ—da and took us back to our village / town
i remember hanging out in the train or bus stop, seeing sky scraper( s ) there and whatnot, it was pretty boring to wait there for hours, esp as a child lol, nothing to do basically, i drew stuff, walked around the stop, maybe, if i had games on my phone, played those, til the friend came
the friend's car was crowded asf and it was painful, but in a bit we were back home, back to a basically completely empty house with nothing but my cat in it and a weird looking spider and spider web in the toilet which i got scared of when i went to the toilet, nor us nor my grandma had much money at the time so we were struggling for a good while, but it got sorted out after some time, we unpacked our things, set up what we had left at home and ye, i remember once my grandma making us like waffles out of corn or something ? it was probably the best meal i had that month, but i was struggling with eating at the time too anyway so it wasn't much of a surprise
but eh, slowly got back to the life of a lithuanian and it all got sorted out i think, back to the lithuanian dream of pure bdsm misery was back as i was back at the old town i was in with the old people and old ways of thinking and everything as it was -- shit
# nostalgia
but welp, compared to germany, lithuania is a total shithole and i miss it a lot, i hope i get to visit kiel one more time someday and take a walk there or something, maybe i will, but who knows, im extremely nostalgic for everything there even though i've spent most of my life in lithuania, just as i am now, i want to go there and experience it all again regardless of the trauma, because that shortwhile was nice, i'd like to not repeat the trauma but to actually solidly live there and exist amongst germans which from own experience are sane and nice people, germany also has good laws and economy, it just seems like a great country overall and maybe i'll get to re-experience something like this again someday
maybe even find the time capsule i planted when i was there, i remember putting an sd card in it too and it had stuff in it, idk what else i put there, but i do remember the sd card, i'm a memory hoarder and i am just painfully angsty that i can't review it or know what it is, what i put on there and experience the culture of kiel once again
it's so annoying and so nostalgic, but at the same time has so much trauma attached to it, so many fights and generally it was shit, but the country itself wasn't shit, the situation of crazy people around it made it shit and without them, i think it'd be great
# concluding
i cant stress enough how much i miss germany and how nostalgic i am for it even if it wasn't much experience in it, i still think it's much better than lithuania, in all of those years i've been in lithuania, i would overthrow it all by my little spent time in germany with alcoholic, abusive and borderline psychopathic parents
i wish i could go back to it, and in the future i might lol
ari
2023/12/13