doml #5 -- 2023/05/06


im fucking exhausted from today, i mean not that it was physical or anything, its literal saturday and ive been just too depressed to get out of bed, although a thing made it much worse and almost pushed me into a panic attack

basically a friend of mine has been threatening to contact a person i like a lot recently, like sure, thats fine, idc, but she always makes it seem so creepy, like she wants to make me look like a stalker, but especially today, she wrote a love letter and threatened me to send it, i begged that she wouldnt and yeah, then she actually sent it and said it had my name on it and i believed it as the original one had my name in it and all, she already threatened me to do it, she threatened other times to contact him for me ( like one time, which also sounded so creepy was when she wanted to 'scare' him into talking to me, like imagine how creepy that would be ) ... i went full panic mode, first depression came but then my anxiety and anger took over, i told her to go fuck herself ( including the rest of the people who saw this happen ) and went away to try to cope, music never helps so i scrapped that, then i went to hit my head, that just made me nauseous, then i looked for more coping mechanisms but i was too tense to be able to look at everything at detail, i was pulling my hair to release some tension, but yeah, guess what she did next, she fucking told me she didnt do it and put her name instead, like omfg, did she just want to play with my feelings or something, play with me like a toy, im very sensitive and i told everyone that multiple times, she knows how i reacted to other of her attempts, etc. i felt horrible and even more anger took me over but at that point ( even though it was only like 10 mins ) i was too tired to scream, then more depression and remorse came over me so i apologized

( for context i always magically feel like shit in history lessons ) this friday ( aka yesterday ) i had history, like always i felt a bit poo but its fine, nothing unusual, the lesson went as usual, the subject we went over went ok, next lesson ( i had 2 histories in a row ) we had to do some tasks, sure, i started doing them, i did almost all of them but he ( being my history teacher ) kept talking about some map, like i knew what map but he gave us some task, i was confused, i asked him what the task it, instead of telling me like a normal person, he begun shouting, he took a classmates work and shoved it in my face, shouting how 'i was supposed to do this' like wtf am i supposed to get out of a coloured map, then he told me, we were meat to colour parts of the map ... THAT WERE ALREADY FUCKING COLOURED OMFG, after that, when i was hurrying to do it as i was embarrassed and hurt already he told my friend, which was sitting next to me, to give me her work or smt, at this point i was feeling horrible, but oh well, i refused and i told him to stop being like this, 'its fine, i didnt ask for it, stop, please stop' trying to make his ass stop bc i felt tears coming in, he did stop, good, after that i asked her for her work so i could do it quicker anyway as i felt shit enough already from history and now the teacher with added embarrassment, the lesson ended, i walked out of the school feeling like garbage, its fine though

then, on thursday, we had religion class, the whole day they were taking stuff from a person, shes kinda quarter friend, but that day it pissed me off, she kept talking and talking abt it, we also talked more than usual that day, etc. and it annoyed me, so basically, in religion class the friend didnt have her phone, i had a chance to take the phone from the person who stole it ( bc omg i found it so fucking annoying ) so i took the chance, i walked up and tried to take her phone from him ( the person who stole it ), i failed but oh well, went back to my seat, after that the most annoying motherfucker out there, i wont say his name but lets call him p ( so him, p, etc. dont mix ), p decided to make a comment how i need a psychiatrist and even 'offering' to take me there, i just replied that i already have one ( as i do ), i said 'yeah ? to g, shes a fucking bitch' i said ( assume g is my psychiatrist ), then there, as a classmate who has the same name as g said 'im not ur psychiatrist' and i said something along the lines of 'cool, shes kinda a bitch, yalls personality kinda resembles', like i dont like g ( the classmate ) overall, but i can bare her, she pissed me off so i just said how it is, anyway, that was a fucking mistake and in conclusion to this day, i need to mind my own business and stop getting annoyed when the same fucking person talks about the same thing over and over again lol, i have a bad habit of taking action into my own hands if it bothers me, anyway

on tuesday and wednesday as far as i remember nothing much happened and same for monday as once again i just spent my day in bed, depressed, as i didnt have school

moving a week forward, on wednesday, omg, once again, the music teacher being an annoying bitch, she has a habit of being entitled and being sure she did something when for a fact she didnt, like one time she said she definitely told us to learn parts of mass ( as in christian mass ) as a music genre, sanctus or whatnot, when she fucking didnt, she didnt, nobody knew that and the max grade was 9 lmao ( we use 1-10 here ), now this time, once again during a test, we only had listened to 10 songs but she gave us a test from 20, although this time she was a bit more sane and gave us time to listen to the songs we need and told us that we can write next week, but she still insisted she told us and that we listened to every song, when in fact we only had listened to 10 of them, oh well, next week we wrote it and it went ok, i got a 9, possibly bc i mistook song #11, but i dont know, well see next week

now, some misc things that happened and i dont remember when

anyway, hope this wasnt too painful to read, for fun me and my friends read some fanfics and omg theyre so badly written i cant, hope u dont have the same exp here, til next time