doml #3 -- 2023/03/01

hello world

havent updated this blog in a while so i thought i might as well now, a lot of things happened since my last visit here

first up, today was once again a bad day, like on monday, on monday i kept losing stuff, kept having bad luck, bad grades, etc. -- today was the same, i kept losing stuff, my pen exploded and worst of all -- i only finished half my math test, dont get me wrong, the test was easy, i was doing okay, but each question was like 7 parts and there were 5 questions so i wasnt able to finish it in 30 minutes, i only managed to do 2.5 / 5 tasks, that made me feel horrible and i couldnt stop thinking abt it, i almost had to leave school bc i was very shit mentally, it affected me so much for some reason, but oh well, ig if i get a low grade ill just rewrite it in consultations :/, today i also found more bad traits abt my crush, i alrd knew hes an andrew tate stan bc he made a whole ass talk abt him in english class, the theme was 'my favourite person', but today in patriotism class we were talking about women's rights and my crush was just making fun of it the whole time, its just sad and cringeworthy, why did i fall for a guy that ( a ) doesnt like me and ( b ) is a dickhead, i also ate too many calories today, wont give any numbers, but it was quite a bit for me and that also added on top of everything today, its just ugh ...

my pc fan broke, well, now its fixed, but thats one of the main reasons i havent been able to write here, i didnt have my pc, i could have written on my phone but it isnt the same plus my pdb database ( basically just a custom password database format ) was on my pc while it was being repaired, i could have fixed it myself, but i didnt have the needed part, it cost 52 euro and itd only come on 03/06, so i just took it to the repair shop, it got done faster and it cost less -- 50 euro, as a bonus my broken keys got fixed so im happy, now i got a fully functional pc for cheaper than if i fixed it myself, plus i didnt risk anything lol soooooooooo

a couple of days ago, on monday, i asked myself why i hate pe so much, and i wrote a bit abt it sooo lemme tell you, i was stressed about pe as i have pe on mondays, i kept thinking and just was stressed beyond belief, i wrote about how this happens every day i have pe, how im stressed and how it makes me feel bad mentally, the first point i wrote about -- gendered groups, ig its more of a 'gendered education' thing, but at least here in lithuania its barely here besides, well, pe and arts and crafts ( idk we call it technologies, but dont mix it up with informatics ), in arts and crafts we can pick the gender group no matter the gender so its eh, i wrote about how it causes me gender dysphoria, thats one of the largest reasons it causes me stress, then i wrote that it feels bad dressing out of uniform in school, 'its probably just my autism' i wrote, but eh, idk, its just that it feels bad being in a school environment but dressed up this casually, it feels bad and it just idk, weird, but not like id like to stay in my uniform doing pe anyway, itd stink, sweat and itd be uncomfy, so lol, also i wrote that pe clothing is just too lose for me as im used to tight black clothing as thats my main 'style' if you can call it that, im also scared of pe assignments, im very weak physically and im terrified of a bad grade in pe, it makes me overthink if im good enough, strong enough for pe and makes me stressed, im scared of judgement, it feels like the teacher, the children and everyone in general is watching me and waiting for me to fail so they could make fun of me, might be irrational, but idk, im not the only one who feels this way, i know bc i asked, i also dont dress up in school, i come in with pe clothing, but uniform on top ( its only a jumper ), when pe comes i just take off my school uniform and thats it, i get underessed at home during the lunch break which for me is 40 minutes, after pe i feel gross and tired and it takes me around 2-3 classes before i fully recover, until then i am unable to work at my full capacity in turn making me inefficient and stupid, thus risking a bad grade once again, theres 0 positive things i can say abt pe, my teacher is also most likely a pedophile, he stares at girls asses whenever he can get the chance, as im in the girls group, i joke abt him staring at my bony ass but its just sad how such people have a job with kids, he also at test times forces me into the boys grp, so he expects to to perform as good as a buff ass kid who is having the time of his life, like who would win, a depressed anorexic with crippling anxiety or a buff ass dude, its annoying, i cant take such load

but good news ...

i dont have to do pe anymore, my doctor wrote me a paper that states that i cant do pe anymore and im super happy abt it, no more stress that kills me every monday and wednesday, its nice, i got that paper bc of my weight and other health problems

this whole week for me was mainly a depression hole, i mean still havent gotten out of it, but idk, even my room reflects it lol

previous week i also got 2 diplomas or whatever, both for the IT contest i went to, i took the 1 st places in both my school and my city, although not my country, but eh, oh well ig, its rare that anyone takes the 1 st place in the country part lol

well, i cant think of what much to say anymore, comment if you want, im happy to hear yalls opinions and stuff ig, well, cya next time which will probably be soon, cya :)