as of now its 03:23 am in lithuania, i am writing this to just write something i dont feel like just staying in pure quiet, listening to the rain, feeling the cold, hearing my homeserver do stuff, decided to start this thing called DOML, just me writing about days of my life, what i am thinking and so on, normal content like tutorials, emotional stuff, sharing of open source news, opinions and so on wont go anywhere, but i want to have some sort of series on here, so why not this, this will be a good practice for me to write text, get creative maybe, learn more visual writing, expression and so on, should be nice
right now im quite tired, but not really, its a weird feeling, i mean i would gladly go to bed, but i dont see the need for it really and i just dont want to sleep, idk, i got stuff to do for tomorrow, for example prepare for school, take a bath, clean and reorder my room, do my homework, read a shit ass book for school which i only read 49 pages of, im probably not going to finish it in time but eh, who cares
my timetable for school changed, its shit, on monday i have pe as my first lesson, and i already REALLY hate pe, i mean i never liked this much physical work, but then theres few things about pe that just make me die inside, from worst to 'eh idrc kinda idk' :
- gender dysphoria
- the teacher makes us go into 'boys' and 'girls' groups and i am not fully transitioned, although usually im in the girls group, but when it comes to grading i get treated as a 'boy' ... i get the same tasks as the buff kid in my class, i am a 38 kg stick, hes a muscly giant who has been training non-stop for like 3 years 💀
- anxiety
- every day, class, hour, minute, second, etc. before pe i get the worst anxiety, during pe it usually worsens, but if i talk to my closer classmates, like i dont like considering people friends really, but theyre just 'people i know' usually, it gets better, but even after pe i still have ✨ that feeling ✨
- pe makes me feel gross
- i dont dress up for pe in school as per the reason listed in the 1 st place, i come to school with my pe clothing already on, on top of that my uniform, which is just a jumper so i dont mind, but after pe i feel gross and hot, so i just have to wait for like 2-3 ( or now, purely 3 ) classes so i could go home, get my grossyness sorted out and dress up normally in my lunch break ( which is 40 minutes, i usually come back at around the 30 mins mark )
- hypocrisy of the teacher
- the teacher makes us do weird sports things and i never see him do any of it, we always do it while he just stands there and watches us suffer, everyone is dying, like even the healthy people, its even worse for people who have shit health
probably more, but im too lazy to name it all, worse of all -- pe is a mandatory class in lithuania, meaning you can just drop it, which is depressing, after pe on mondays i have psychology, which is such a noisy lesson usually as the teacher doesnt really control the class 'traditionally' so to say, she talks, but she never says anything/much if theres kids screaming or smt, so like, im tired and anxious after pe and then ill have to deal with a loud class 😫 after that its all good on monday, 2 math classes, lunch break, 2 chems and lithuanian grammar
on tuesdays my first lesson is technology, like crafts and stuff, i dont mind it too much, kinda a fine lesson, then physics and 2 german classes, after that lunch break, 2 geographies and math, this is fine
omg and then we have wednesdays, 2 lithuanian literature classes, so ill be exhausted, after that -- patriotism, which is basically just reading articles, last thing i want after 2 straight hours of reading is more reading and then guess what, fucking pe, pe, omfg, then lunch break and then boom, math, theyre trying to kill us fr and after that its okay ig -- music and biology
thursday didnt really change much so idc, but friday is ✨ no ✨, 2 lithuanian literature classes, then art ... in the middle of the day ... i had art as my last class last semester and like art is such a lesson you get really out of it after it and you just dont feel like doing work anymore, but then they make us do english, i mean idrc as english is quite easy for me but eh, then lunch break and then the slowest teacher's class of all -- 2 histories, the history teacher is so slow, istg, its like watching a youtube video on 0.25 speed 😫😫😫😫😫 like its my last classes and i cant wait to go home in my last classes and they just decided to make them the longest 😫
so yeah, fun 👍
i also had plans to clean and reorder my room, i still do, but i find no energy for it and if i do find the energy for it, i dont have the time or if i do have both, i dont have the brain power for it, for example on friday i was going to do it, but i was exhausted, then got energetic again, went to my grandma, came back, family started being ass to me so i logically cried myself to sleep, thats how my 'cleaning and reordering of my room' went, i thought i was going to do it today, no, i didnt have the time for it, i went out with my best friend and we spend like 4.5 hours preparing for her mothers birthday, she seemed happy ( her mother, and well bsf ig ) so im fine, came back and had no energy, i mean as of now i have more energy, but i dont have the brain power for it and also its like 4 am so lol, tmrw will probably not be much diff, ill have no energy for a fact and as im not doing well emotionally rn i dont think thatll go away tmrw, but oh well
when i cried myself to sleep yesterday, it was just overwhelming, i was tiredish so i was much more vulnerable to emotions, then my parents started talking shit about me, then my brothers started screaming, then my middle brother begun screaming antilgbt stuff to me, then they both begun doing shit to annoy me, then my brain remembered ✨ everything ✨ then just then, i could add like 10000 thens and it would not be enough, so to just summarise, it was too much, i broke in half and didnt want to live around anyone, so i just went to die temporarily by going to cry and falling asleep that way
then i woke up in the morning and started this day, although first regretted waking up lol
then my best friend texted me and well, we went out and did the stuff, this just loops around now
omg, this blog post is consistent, i mean i didnt start from the beginning, but its also not so much of a mind clutter as the 'idk something' blog, i mean it was intentionally just a clusterfuck of thoughts, but this is nice, i mean i kinda like that i chose to not start from the beginning, i mean it wasnt intentional, but yk, still kinda cool
anyway, maybe you enjoyed this carousel, i will probably continue this series, although idk how consistent this will be, i just want this to be a thing, cya